the thing (or "it")

Space.
Space!
More Space.
Need Space.
Too much Space.
Not enough Space.
Please, no more Space.

I suppose today is a day that I feel it all.

Hmmm okay. I'm dealing with how to deal with other people's stuff. How much it can infiltrate and overwhelm you. How to balance others' expectations with your own needs and desires. Perhaps it is a product of your feelings for the person; or maybe it has more to do with you, your nature and the way you interact with others.

I realized yesterday though, in the midst of battling with myself over whether I should take a specific action in the context of a friend in need, that my fundamental fear, the apprehension that underlies and permeates the fabric of my life - the reality I was forced to acknowledge as an adolescent, that everyone will leave when it's most convenient for them, that people aren't to be trusted or relied upon, that we are all, in fact, islands, and that it would be prudent of me to operate under that presumption - was hiding behind my decision to abstain from being noble. What's so terrifying, though, is even after I identified the flaw in my thinking and realized all the legitimate reasons not to apply those rules to this person, I did anyway. I stayed away. I did as little as I could without completely avoiding her and the issue, so I could never be accused of being a bad friend. Thinking that I could rightfully be deemed a 'bad friend' sends me into hyperventilations and a feeling of panic one step below a full-blown attack. I think it's a precursor to feeling that, if I'm considered a bad friend, it's likely that friendship will soon disappear, which dredges up a toxic plethora of negative connotations and panicky, hyperbolic thinking.

A tribute to being strong.

It may appear as though I'm a little discombobulated. Which would be a correct assessment. Good advice seems to have come my way though. I'm trying. And sometimes I wonder why good things happen to me as opposed to other people. Sure, I've dealt with my share of shit, unwarranted and undeserved trifles, but haven't most people?

I wonder this because someone special to me seems to constantly be the butt of life's practical jokes, and I can't figure why. Is it all karmic? Something we can't understand with our conscious minds? That seems to be an easy way to explain it. In some ways, I hope it's true. That we are a product of our good deeds from past lives. That those who are cruel and arbitrary and murderous will be served in the next lifetime, will return as a cockroach or a tapeworm or a sewer rat. To be honest, when I'm feeling overwhelmed with anger and sadness at the plight of the environment, or the subjugation of women worldwide, or child prostitution, horrific dictators and greedy profiteers, I imagine that all of the perpetrators of these crimes will suffer for their deeds the next time around. Hopefully, with any luck, a Congolese warlord will be a cockroach in my home that I poison to death; Pinochet will come back as a slug that I crush underfoot (not that that's a regular practice of mine, but many people take pleasure in it, oddly); and all baby rapists become factory farmed cattle sent to the slaughter (as a sidebar, if that video doesn't make you go vegetarian, you have no heart).

The thing is, my friend is not a war criminal. She's not an oppressor or an egomaniac or a greedy corporation. She is a person, a real human being, who lives with her full heart, one who cares about others so much that all of her energies channel into her life's work of supporting and helping and hearing everyone else. I don't understand. Why is it so hard, then? What justifies the number and severity of wrongs that continue to befall her? It makes me feel sad and powerless, lucky yet guilty.

I wish I had some Stephen Hawking-like device where the words I'm thinking are automatically transcribed on my blog, because, naturally, I have the most enigmatic and philosophical and provocative thoughts when I'm not in front of the screen or pad and pen aren't handy. So here I am, lingering, with nothing to say. But really I have everything to say! Where did it go?

I do have to share this, though; it's fucking incredible.

Also, this is the coolest collection of pictures I've seen in a long time. In honor of Earth Day and all of the magnificent beings with whom we share this wonder: the 15 most bizarre sea creatures of the sea.