Love Park in bloom! Tulips and daffodils and pink trees, baby lupine even? I don't know what those purple things are. It's sad, these pictures from my phone simply don't capture even a fraction of the beauty of this day and those flowers and colors and the strange juxtaposition of nature and human development.
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I think I sound smarter in my writing than I actually am. It's weird, often I'll write something, something random, part of an assignment, or an email, thinking it's just terrible, absolutely atrocious and unreadable, and then I'll wait a bit, go back in that mindset to re-read, and find that it sounds as if the words I know to be mine came from someone else. My reaction is always, I don't think those things, I didn't know I was capable of thinking those things, where did this come from? And especially in the context of trying to sound lawyerly, as I often do in emails for my internship, after some time away I read it over and think, wtf? Where did that come from? Did I...me?! really compose that? In a good way! But if put on the spot, or forced to write something that was immediately worthwhile, I could never do it. I feel like writing is more like a game of yahtzee: you shake it up and roll the dice, never knowing what's going to come out on the board. Often the roll starts out looking good, only to end up being unremarkable; likewise, right before the dice settle, they can make one last turn and come out absolutely stellar.
Ultimately, it might all be a matter of perspective, like when you go into something assuming it's going to be super great or fun or totally boring and terrible, and it ends up being the opposite. It's almost inevitable that when you look forward to something, an event or a certain date or a trip, and you build it up with all the attendant excitement and anticipation, it's difficult for it to actually end up, or more accurately, for you to remember it, as fun or exciting or memorable as you thought it would be. The opposite is also true; if your expectations are small, or generally negative, about something, a person, a visit, a party, then almost anything beyond a low threshold our brains will remember as so much better than, maybe, it actually was. And, in a sense, isn't that what matters? It's less important exactly how we felt, or the time we had, doing something, and so much more meaningful how we remember that time we had. I suppose it's similar to being in love, when all your initial interactions and feelings and thoughts are cloaked in rosiness and congeniality, when in reality during that time you were in constant agony about how he was feeling, or what a brief touch meant, or why it always takes him so damn long to text back! My friends and I always remind each other about law school: "Let us never think back on this time as something fun! This is absolute misery." But I think we probably will remember it fondly. Not because we're actually having fun, or enjoying ourselves, but because, for some reason when hard times get more distant, they take on that taint of that rosiness themselves. It's strange; perhaps a coping mechanism for our brains not to become overridden and sluggish with grief and annoyance and just the sheer mundane of day to day living.
I wonder often why we don't pursue the things in life we know, for sure, beyond a doubt, will make us happy. Why instead do we give our time to the TV, the internet, movies and driving and shopping, instead of sitting in a coffee shop with friends; laying outside in the sun and the air and the green, reading a favorite novel; playing an instrument of choice, or learning to do it; teaching ourselves to cook or speak Thai or knit or grow things. A friend recently posted on his facebook page that he spent all Sunday (the holy day of law student study-cramming) practicing bass, his instrument, which he hadn't done in a very long time, and which he missed but wouldn't let himself do because of the pressingnatureofeverythingelse. I can't forget his comment about it either; he said, don't neglect your loves. Don't neglect your loves! Simple, simple, simple.
It's easy to make excuses not to take care of ourselves; it might be a case of not knowing what your needs are. My biff is going through the rather painstaking process of learning how to take care of herself, and she says to me, "I don't know what my needs are. What do I need? How can I care for myself and attend to my needs when I have no idea, literally not the slightest inclination, what that means?" We have to start small I think; that's what I try to do. Identify the basics. Healthy food, tea, good company. Check. Ability to access free music. Check (youtube is one of my great new loves, it is serving as my comprehensive jukebox, so much so that I hate when I have to be away from my computer because my ipod doesn't have any of my current songs on it!). Some, even attenuated and simple, inkling of what you might want to be, or do, when you grow up (refer back to fake-Vonnegut speech) (to give you any indication of how basic I mean, mine is "I want to help people, not rich people, who can't help themselves for whatever reason. Preferably abroad.") (which reminds me of Michael Pollan's advice to Americans on modifying our repulsive food habits: Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.) Aaaaahhhh my brain and its incessant connections. (My guy's response to his first reading of this blog is: "I like when you ramble." Which, to me, says: "The whole thing is a digression.") And, while amusing and therapeutic for me, is very likely perturbing and difficult for you dear reader! (of which there are the two - the two I bribed by telling them they made guest appearances. Which was true, they did. I'm no liar, just an embellisher. And in all honesty, isn't that better than being an omitter?)
So, ok back to it, the basics. Goals, I like having goals; or, rather, dreams, because they're certainly less plausible than my goals generally are. I guess I have two categories, maybe more, of future plans. The more grounded, doable, and believable goals; and the more exciting, inspiring, bigger and grander but more difficult dreams. And that is number four.
To recap, which is necessary based on that hairy paragraph, the basics are:
(1) good food, tea, good company
(2) free music, the food of the soul
(3) some sort of life direction
(4) (a) goals, and (b) dreams
Plus a few more:
(5) friends that are family
(6) a hobby, or nine (an instrument, gardening, crafts, reading, painting, exploring, writing, etc.etc.etc.)
(7) an open mind
And if you pick up a few along the way, all the more rich and meaningful your life. I realize I've lost track of my point with all this list-making, but my basic point is that these are things that serve as guideposts when one seeks to take care of herself. These are like sunlight and water to a plant - you nurture yourself with healthy food and drink, good friends, and doing something you love love or care deeply about. Try to have something you are working toward, so that you are never stagnant or more lost than necessary. Of course, love of my heart/life/soul, some sort of mother to us all, according to me, we must have music. Life would be empty without music. (On a side note, I recently read a quote that said "music is what feelings sound like,” which I realize now that I’m saying it out loud to the webosphere, is maybe trifling, but sometimes, when I hear a song I love [and by love I mean, makes my heart grow and pump and smile] it makes sense [try it!]) and there is no greater truth. No greater truth. All you need is love, if you have a broad definition of love, and love is music/music is love. It's food and water. It's the sun and the moon and the oceans and the trees and the sea anemones. Lastly, my belief is that if you approach life with an open mind, as open as you can stand, and try not to attach to things, try not to attach meaning that's not there to people and happenings and accidents and frustrations, there will be less hardship. It will be easier.
Anyway, in reference to both being Czech and letting my writing represent to others that I am more intelligent and know more stuff than I actually do, tonight I will present an international, multilateral treaty that I wrote as an authorized representative of the Czech Republic, on saving a forest. And goddamn, I sound pretty good. But if I had to write it again, I guarantee it would be nowhere as good or professional-sounding as it is. Perhaps I've hit my peak. I think it was likely just a lucky yahtzee roll. Which leaves me wondering: isn't it all?
Also, WHAT THE FUCK, this song is so delicious. I know it's already been a song of the day, but, as is my tendency when I hear a song of this caliber, I just become consumed with it; thus, I'm still listening to What You Want by John Butler Trio. It reminds me of my upcoming time away from my love, and what I'll do to get through it.
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