confused, maybe.

It's frustrating when you realize that people's perceptions of you are not really you at all, but someone other than you. For some reason they impute a personality to you that isn't true, that is based on weird assumptions and quick judgments. I feel judged here, I feel like people don't know who I am and thus act toward me like someone I'm not. There's no reason to treat me like a Mean Girl; I'm not one.

In all social situations it's common for me to feel baffled at the people who end up having the biggest following. Why you? What's so special about this person? What do you all see in him, or her, and what am I missing? Perhaps it's just an aspect of my personality not to be too keen on those who sell themselves out to be close to everyone in sight. I don't think it's possible to be honest with yourself and with others and still be 'friends' with everyone in a given social situation, especially the ones with a large number of people.

Anyway, is it too negative to say I don't like all that many people on this trip? I feel like I'm poisoning the well, like I'm rushing to these judgments myself, but it's so hard to stay open while constantly feeling slighted. Not that I'm exactly feeling slighted, but I am in the sense that so few of these people I actually want to spend any amount of time with. So many are so...young and obnoxious. That's it, most of them are younger than me, like much younger, and are interested in using this experience as a chance to bond over drinks and treat the city and country as their own playground. Which is fine, you do you, right? I'm having a hard time understanding that motivation. I feel like such an old person, I'd rather stay home and blog to everyone so my people at home know what's happening here than go out drinking with these kids. KIDS. That's what they are. The girl downstairs was born in 1989, she's still in undergrad. Wow. Like...that's fine, but she's younger than my little sister, you know? I'm just not interested in a 21 year old's perspective on life. I had it once, it sucked and it was boorish and immature, and I'd rather not waste my precious brain cells getting hammered with them.

On the flip side of that thought, though, is realizing how much these younger kids are teaching me about being confident and forward with your own thoughts and opinions and selves, and how little experience I have actually doing this. It's hard for me, based on my past history and also the family and culture in which I was raised - it was very much stressed not to do this, not to make waves, not to call people out. The unfortunate consequence of hiding behind politeness, however, is that you get stepped on, and taken advantage of, and passed up. You stay unnoticed in many situations because you're perceived as too flimsy, or malleable. As much as we're not (my family and I), as I've pointed out above, so much of the time the reality doesn't matter if your image across the group is one of being a flake or a needy, clingy person with no opinions.

I'm feeling really homesick; well, not homesick. People sick. I'm really learning to appreciate my people, the incredible friends and amazing boyfriend and family that I have. You ladies and gents are standing out, your sense of humor, your loyalty and kindness. Apparently (and of course, I should know this by now, but I was trying to have a positive attitude going into this experience) almost no one has these qualities, at least not together, all in one. So many just bitchy people (and I don't mean just girls). So many people I can literally say "I don't like you" about. It's incredible. Maybe it's because we've been forced to work so intimately with each other, that these differences are stark and really burdensome, whereas in most situations you just associate as little as possible with the people you find disagreeable. That's just not possible here. Many of us live in the same household, and those of us who don't see each other and work together every day anyway due to the orientation and our weekend activities.

Funny, too, I haven't had the urge to go out at night, or drink, at all. I don't know why, usually I really enjoy socializing and drinking with the people that I'm with; maybe that's a comment on my age? Or the seriousness of our jobs here? Or just my opinions of the people with whom I'd be drinking? I'm not exactly sure; perhaps it's a combination of all of them. That's more likely, I think. Not to give the impression there's no one here who's fun or kind or sympathetic; there certainly are. Luckily for me, most of the people who will be staying in Chiang Mai and living in my home with me are part of this minority. There are a few I'd rather not stay here, but the majority of the interns staying in Thailand are definitely the most pleasurable to be around. And the lack of alcohol has really helped my body and mind, I can already tell my memory is improving. There's definitely something to be said for a cleaner lifestyle, although a few beers or glasses of wine here or there with my friends (at home) and the Pirate sometimes just hits the spot.

I just wanted to let you all know I'm missing you, even though I'm happy to be here and glad to be doing what I am and will be doing this summer. I was meant to do it for a reason, I know that; sometimes it's just easier to get caught up being homesick. This has turned out to be a fantastic lesson in working closely with detestable people, and learning to cope with really strong personalities and people whose opinions are shouted over the crowds at every possible point. It's interesting to see another culture too, to be immersed in it, as much as we are. Living in a local neighborhood, working so closely with Thai people, learning the language. It's everything. It makes me appreciate home, but at the same time I couldn't imagine not being here.