soon

I leave on Wednesday morning at 7:30am. Today is Monday.

It's coming, I'm feeling nervous and excited. I want to leave, so I can return. That makes sense, right? The sooner I leave, the sooner I can come back. The sooner I can embrace biff and my Pirate. The sooner I can re-fall in love with my city.

My visa came. The Royal Thai Embassy went to work and processed it in a day. One day! Which they said they were too busy to do. Assholes, they were the root of so much frustration and stress and tears. So I have it now; I guess I'm going for real. That was really the last thing that could have stopped me from taking the trip, and now that potential impediment is gone. I'm going. I'm going! It doesn't even feel real, I cannot comprehend that one week from today will be my first day of work in Chiang Mai. How impossible! How crazy.

Now that it's basically inevitable, it feels more doable. Trying to understand exactly what I was embarking on was an insurmountable feat even a week ago. Did I get through the hardest part? Hmm, I'm thinking probably no. But that was the first hard part, maybe. We survived. We weathered it. We stayed together, no one has left yet. No one has turned away. Only one more final and two more nights of snuggling, one more meeting with all my friends, and I fly away.

It's only 12 weeks. That's what I'm saying to myself. It's only 12 weeks. 12 weeks. 12 weeks. And worth it. It will be worth it. I needed to go, I had to explore and see and risk and experience. I traded freedom and independence for love and friendship; this trip is a test to see if I can have both. Why can't we have both? I want it all. I think, sometimes, if you ask the universe for what you want, it figures out a way to get it to you. It opens up a space for you to claim it yourself, you just have to ask. You have to inquire, check into it. So I am. Universe, can I manage friendship and biff-dom and soul mateness with traveling, exploring, staying open to the new and dangerous and scary and risky, all at the same time?

I'll keep you apprised of the answer(s). How can you know unless you do it?

Often, I find myself feeling thankful that life doesn't allow me to back out of things. Like the passage of time: days breaking upon days unfolding on more days. Because sometimes I think if life didn't compel itself onward, I wouldn't have the strength to do it. Mechanically wind the days every morning. How tempting it would be to just stay, to remain. When it's working, it's hard to want it to change. If I had the opportunity to back out, I'm not sure if I would still be going; so I'm glad it's not an option. I have to go. I knew that when I sat biff down last fall and told her, do not let me not do this. Please. Hold me to it. And she did. And I'm doing it. Even though she suffers for it, she was my eyes when I didn't want to see what I needed. Pirate was my legs when I didn't feel like I could stand, when I wanted to sit down in the middle of my life and stay there, pretending to be happy. I love you both so much, I don't know what I would have, or could have, ever do without you. What I would have done. You are me, without you I'm sure I would have visible leaks and holes. Everyone deserves that, everyone deserves what I was lucky enough to find. You just have to ask the universe for it. Ask it for what you want. And remember to aim high.