leaving

Okay, I realized today that anything that might be destroyed or undermined or weakened during my absence will likely be a product of my own (un)doing. Like assuming things that aren't real. Or projecting my feelings onto someone else. I'm already doing it, but I'm trying to recognize it for what it is and diffuse it. Unwind it. Expose it and let it go. I'm trying to have faith in the feelings of my friends and my Pirate, I'm trying my best to believe. Believe. What's so difficult about having a little faith? I don't know, the shit is hard to handle though. Like a bird you're trying to cage, something like that. It would rather just have the window open, ready to escape when necessary, but all you want to do is lock it up and shut it in. Make it safe. Keep it real.

I have lots of things to say, so much so I don't even know where to begin. I don't feel like I'm living my life. I don't feel like I'm living someone else's though, it's quite a conundrum. I don't really know what I'm doing. Drifting, floating, waiting. I'm about to be shot out of a catapult though, bolted ahead a few steps and plopped into so many new situations. I think my brain needs the challenge though, I've dulled it with the regular, and the ordinary, and the predictable. I need the new, the different, the incomprehensible. I forgot so much of what I love. I spoke to it, but didn't do it. The Pirate's uncle told me, "this isn't something you're getting out of your system, like everyone seems to think. This is you." I hope he's right. I don't want to be normal. I don't want to do what so many people do. I've always wanted to be extraordinary, I've always been a little off-kilter. We spend so much time and energy, though, trying to do what's expected, seeking to be the normal, looking for our place in line, it's hella (heyooo NorCal) easy to lose what we used to want to be. I used to sport this bumper sticker on my old red Volvo (Sylvia) that said
'remember what you wanted to be'. Even when I was 16 I could see this being an issue. Hopefully this trip reignites that need in me, I don't want to lose it. I want to keep going. I want to keep digging. I don't want to be ordinary; strangely, that thought frightens me more than most things.

I'll keep you posted. I can't believe I'm leaving! It came! The day is finally here. It makes me hyperventilate a little, but I'm happy to be going. Too much anticipation is killer. I need to just do it.