trembling; on the verge

I thought I was braver than this. I considered myself more of a pioneer. I assumed I was the trailblazer, not the follower, not the scared one who hides behind in need of a shield from the foreign, the new, or the just plain unknown. The things I don't understand.

But I don't feel brave. I feel small and scared. I feel defeated already, and I haven't even really yet begun. Yes, that's exactly it: I feel defeated. Like my presence on this trip is pointless, like why did I even bother screwing everything up for this? I haven't even given myself a chance to try yet. Why? Why do I do this? Why do I concede failure when I've yet to break from the gate?

Things never start the way I think they should, they NEVER do. I should learn this, learn it, breathe it, be with it. Everything is ultimately fine. The Universe is protecting me somewhere, behind the scenes, underneath the haze; it wouldn't have propelled me on this journey for no reason. Maybe I should start by clarifying my goals for this trip.

I want to learn to be an advocate.
I want to spend a good amount of time in a very foreign country.
I want to make friends outside of the context of law school, but in a law-related function.
I want to be an adult. I want to grow into an adult.

I think many people perceive me as one, the problem is, I don't. And my approach to the world is colored by the fact that I don't, for some reason, truly believe I deserve the respect of other adults as their peer. So I'm always looking for a mentor. Always searching out a big brother or big sister to carry me under their wing, to protect me, to shade me from the harsher bits of reality. But no! I've done so much on my own, why can't this actuality seep into my perception of myself?

My guess is that I put too much emphasis on what others think, or, even more wobbly and perplexing, what I perceive their thoughts of me to be. I'm too sensitive to social signals, too cognizant of others' minor body language and the cutting aim of their ambiguous words. On purpose? To fancy myself a victim? I don't see how that suits me, except that it acts as its own ceiling on what I can and cannot do - what in reality is what I will and will not let myself try at, either to succeed and move up, or fail. It's frustrating, this reaction. I'm afraid to do what in my heart I know I really want to do. I've cut a path already and can't diverge from it. I can make myself happy in the -to be honest - mediocre life I'm in the process of creating. Why should I, though? Somewhere, at some point, I have to stop stopping myself, I have to cease acting solely as my nemesis and start believing in and nurturing my abilities. I have to begin taking actual risks, rather than things that just appear to be risks. What does this mean, though? What do I have to do?

Maybe this is part of the challenge of this time in Thailand. To see what I'm really about. I thought I knew; I get shaken, and it turns out I don't. Who am I? What am I doing; why; and am I happy doing it?

I feel lost.