For various reasons, I have to start with this song. Of course it's the song of today, listen: "Nine times out of ten, our hearts just get dissolved. Well I want a better place, or just a better way to fall."
I'm really uncomfortable right now because my entire life is wrapped up in the generosity of someone else, and I really don't like to rely on others to such an extreme degree. It's too much. I don't want it all there, it means I don't have a choice. It means I'm indebted to someone else; it means he has control over me. I don't like it. It doesn't feel good and it doesn't feel right.
I'm feeling overwhelmed. Three finals in one week, immediately after which I fly to San Francisco for a day-and-a-half, and then on to Chiang Mai for three months. It's a lot, I feel heavy and concerned and worried. Nothing feels good or settled. I'm angry that certain people aren't taking it as seriously as I think it is. Is this merely because one person always becomes the strong and stable one when the other is falling apart? And why am I always the one who seems to be coming undone? I'm leaving, you! I'm going away. It doesn't seem to matter to anyone.
That's not true; my friends care. They're going to miss me. They're visibly sad, it seems. It's just hard to believe him about it. I almost think he's looking forward to it, like he's going to enjoy this new-found bachelorhood. Which makes me even angrier at myself that everything seems to be wound up in him and us. I have fought these ties, secretly, but they grew anyway; now I want it, and he is ambivalent. Isn't that always the way it works.
I'm angry, and embarrassed, basically the only two emotions I have no idea what to do with. I just feel like, if you want it, you want it. If you want it, you make sure that nothing gets in your way. If you really do want it, you fucking make it happen. And if you don't do that, you don't want it. Is that faulty reasoning? I can't see the right thing to do, all I know is what I want to do. I know that, if I hadn't gotten myself so dependent on this person, I would feel better. Because he's not there with me, he's just not. I thought he was. I thought he was even more there than I. Turns out I miscalculated: I laid it all out, I exposed everything to him, and it was met with a big nothing. Nothing.
What does one normally do in that situation? Back away, leave, exit, right? Detach. And I want to. I want to so much, but what can I do? I feel like a hostage. I feel so stuck, all I wanted
was to be stuck with him, but now I'm stuck alone. I fell too far, I loved too hard, and here I am, again, alone. And there's nothing I can do about it. I want him to know what he lost, even though he doesn't know he lost it yet. I just thought it was it. I thought I had it. Instead, I found out he was an illusion. It was all a mirage. It all slipped away so easily. I feel sick. I never thought, I didn't plan, I bet everything I had against this possibility. Which makes me the loser. It was too good to be true. I knew I didn't deserve something so great. Somewhere, some part of me knew it wasn't real. It's funny, I thought I was immune because I've had so many terrible affairs. I thought I beat the odds, I thought I outsmarted the universe. No, I just forgot the first canon of being human. I forgot that falling is how you get hurt.
Was it my fault? Did I do something wrong? Did I mess everything up, or did he? I lost my person. I just...I thought he was there. I thought we were it. No; it is nothing. It is never. It was never nothing. It was me, I misread.
Someday, someone will make it happen. Someday, someone will know. He'll meet me there. He'll feel like this. Today just isn't that day, and perhaps my someone just isn't that someone. The fact that he wasn't there when I was says more than I wish it did.
Someone has to, right? He has to be somewhere. Someone will. Someone will. Someone will.
I guess my fear is that if he's not there by now, if he can't see it after this much time, he never will. Maybe I'm not his it. I guess that's what that means, doesn't it. I asked this couple once, individually, whether they thought the other person was their soul mate. One answered yes, the other answered no. I wondered if that could be possible; which one was wrong? In my scenario, I am. I'm wrong. He didn't tell me, but that's what he means - I'm not it. If I was it, there wouldn't be any questioning or doubting or waiting. But there is, that's all we have now. Wait-to-see. So I can't be it. This can't be it. It was for me though, I thought it was for me.
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