okay

My Pirate says I repeat things a lot, and he's totally right. When I'm trying to convince myself of something I tend to think it over and over and over again, or I will say it aloud ad nauseum, trying force the belief into my head that whatever it is is, of course, true. Today I just want to remind myself, I'm trying to dig a trench in my mind that lights up when I'm feeling insecure about leaving, that just says, "it's okay it's okay it's okay." I hope it is; I want more than anything for this to be true. It will be okay, it will be okay, it will be okay. Everything is fine. Nothing is really at risk.

I think the truth is somewhere in between my catastrophic thinking and this repetitive mantra. Most things are probably going to be okay, that's true. But some things are at risk, I'm exposing some things to destruction or rip tides, being undermined from the bottom, being torn away piece by piece from underneath. I'm trying to keep it in perspective; I feel like, if I aim high, if I aim for everything is fine, everything will be okay, maybe I'll fall somewhere in between total obliteration and peace. Which, I think, is the best I can do at the moment. At least that's a marked improvement from Monday, when my heart was breaking and I couldn't stop falling. When I felt like everything was already lost, and I couldn't catch my breath.

As an aside, has anyone noticed this weird trend about people not fastening their flies? I've been seeing it at an increasing and frankly alarming rate recently. Are all these people unaware that their pants are unbuttoned or unzipped? Or is it intentional? What leads me to believe it's become a new fashion statement is it seems to be a predominant practice among hipster-type folk, or at least these are the people who supposedly keep forgetting to close their flies. I don't get it; what a strange way to proclaim identification with a group.

That's a little off topic, but I've been wondering about it for a while. I keep seeing it more and more.

I keep experiencing waves of sadness. Sadness and numbness, they alternate. Yesterday I felt happy for the first time in almost a week; the problem with this, though, is that it's tinged with melancholy because I soon won't have it within reach for at least three months, I hope that's all. I hope three months is as long as the separation lasts. I hope we can stay so much connected that it's hardly a separation at all. I hope to build mature and eternal communication skills that buffer the Pirate and I, and my friendships, from any subsequent parting. I'm sad. I just want it to hurry up and come already, so I can focus on getting back and holding my love and laughing with my friends again. Like it never happened. Like we were hardly apart. Please please please let this be the result. Please let this summer be a good thing. Please don't turn it into something I'll regret.

I already miss everyone so much, I can hardly even recognize that I'm with my friends or my love when we're together. It's as if, somewhere in my mind, I've already left. I have to close myself off to the experience of now or else I'll be so overwhelmed by grief about my departure (in 6 days!) I will, doubtless, break down in tears. I feel as if I'm in a daze; I know I've numbed myself to the point where the usual things about life in which I find snippets of pleasure and gratitude can't even prompt a smile. I just want to leave so I can come back. Every day I'm here that inches closer to May 12 feels all the more heartbreaking. I am vulnerable and exposed. I've taken to wearing my sunglasses indoors so people can't tell when I've momentarily begun crying, without any provocation whatsoever.

I want to go home, but home is you, home is my people, and I can't come back until I leave. So I have to leave. Please stay by my side. Please don't leave while I'm gone.

"Let me go home, I'm just too far from where you are, I wanna come home. Maybe surrounded by a million people I still feel all alone; I wanna go home. Oh I miss you, you know....And I know just why you couldn't come along with me: this was not your dream, but you always believed in me."

I miss you I miss you I miss you all. I'M JUST TOO FAR FROM WHERE YOU ARE.